How to get my teen to open up?

Monica Smith — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 19:15:38 +0000

Hi everyone!

I know it’s been a while I’m putting a plan together to make this more consistent so get ready to start hearing from us more often, I like connecting with you and hearing your feedback. Today I am bringing you a topic that I’m sure many of us face TEENAGER-OLOGY! I’m sure this is a challenging time for many of us so I have a treat…. I ran across this post and it was sooooooooooo helpful I thought I’d share. Be sure to watch the video (after the advertisement) some very real, tangible advice from our friends over at AdviceMama. http://video.aol.com/aolvideo/parentdish/how-do-i-get-my-teen-to-open-up-and-talk-to-me/749709864001

( A letter written in from a subscriber)

Dear AdviceMama,

My son isn’t interested in sharing a lot of what he is feeling and he becomes annoyed when I try to talk to him. We seem to be managing all right, but I know things must eat him up inside every day, and it sometimes comes out in explosive anger if we have a fight. How can I get him to open up?

Signed,
Mom who misses son

Dear Mom,

The best way to encourage a teen to open up is to “teach” him that it is safe to do so. Many of us react to the things our kids tell us by becoming angry or threatening, giving unwanted advice or overwhelming them with questions.

When we do this, our kids learn that, despite their desire to lean on us as a trusted confidante and guide — which they need, it’s best to keep things to themselves. Even worse, they may end up confiding in their friends about their problems, which is like the blind leading the blind.

Our teens do need us to be a sounding board for them, but we have to be careful not to scare them off with our reactions when they begin to open up to us. (This was hard for me, but to have it pointed out helped a lot)

Chances are, your son “tests” you from time to time by sharing a tidbit about his day, or a piece of news about something he’s heard. Depending on how you react, he may tell you more — or shut down and walk away.

It’s not easy to keep your thoughts and suggestions to yourself when he opens up, but it is in your best interest to keep him talking by simply saying, “Oh,” “Really?” or whatever signals him that you’re listening and capable of hearing more.

I’m not saying you won’t eventually weigh in with advice or input, but it’s important to give your son a chance to offload some of what he has to say — without interruption — before you jump in. You may even prime the pump by asking him what he thinks about things, whether it’s related to politics, movies or music.

The more you’re able to show him you can respect what he has to say, the more your son will discover that it’s safe to confide in you.

Finally, ask your son to tell you what he needs if he brings up a sensitive subject. If you let him know you’re willing to weigh in with advice, or simply listen if that’s what he wants, he’ll be more relaxed about saying more.

Your son’s explosiveness may indeed be a result of bottling up big feelings. If that is the case, then these suggestions may help you provide him with a safe way to avoid penting up his feelings by sharing them — tentatively, at first — with you. It also may help to connect him with a trustworthy male mentor; teenage boys often have things going on in their lives that are simply too awkward to discuss with their mother.

If his temper becomes a serious problem, though, please consider finding professional help. While occasional outbursts are normal in adolescence with hormone fluctuations combining with school and social stressors, if your son’s only way of expressing emotions is to rage, it is important to provide him with additional strategies for coping with life’s inevitable frustrations and disappointments.

Yours in parenting support,
Monica Smith & AdviceMama

The Brunt of Superwoman Guilt

Monica Smith — Tue, 08 Feb 2011 14:10:36 +0000

When Americans’ work-life balance is disrupted, families bear the brunt, according to the StrategyOne’s 2010 survey of 1,043 Americans; however, most report that family is of greatest importance to us. Think about your day to day life. What responsibilities do you put off when you are short on time? Do you find yourself having to decide whether to take your car for that much needed oil change or eat lunch? How about the common American dinner time dilemma of opting for take-out as the only means of fitting in both a meal and time to help the children with homework? How often do you find yourself short on time….weekly or daily? It happens to all of us. Although there isn’t a cure, there are several small things that you can do to lessen the frequency of these time-crunched frenzies.
The first thing is to be realistic about what is really reasonable to accomplish in a given day. Stop saying to yourself, “If only I could get my work done quicker, if I didn’t get stuck in traffic or in a line at the grocery store…” These obstacles are out of our control and ever present in our lives. Second, plan for the busy week ahead. This is the very reason Rachel Ray’s new show “Cook 1 Day, Eat for 5” even exists! If you can find a block of time, it is more efficient to shop for the entire week at once and spend 2 hours prepping the week’s ingredients. During my 11 year olds Saturday dance lesson, you can usually find me in the kitchen creating homemade marinades, prepping meat and chopping vegetables to be thrown into steamers or salads throughout the week. However, the greatest time saver is to leverage your time by outsourcing the tasks that are not your core responsibilities.
It is mandatory that we free ourselves from the “super woman” guilt trip, realize that we have a finite number of hours in the day and allow ourselves to let go of the mundane tasks that others can do for us. For example, it is ultimately your responsibility to make sure your family is fed. However, the meal will not taste better if you personally schlep through the grocery store picking produce and succumbing to the impulse purchases of your children in tow. Nor will your car operate better because it knows you were held hostage at the mechanic during the 60,000 mile check up. Please outsource these tasks and spend your time where it really counts!

To your passion

Monica & contributing writer

Andrea Arena

Boundaries are a MUST!

Monica Smith — Mon, 11 Oct 2010 15:27:53 +0000

Are you a people pleaser? I am or was, to the point I literally had nothing left for my children, my husband let alone myself. Establishing boundaries in our lives is not always easy, especially when there are so many things pulling us in different directions. Whether on the job or in our families, it is easy to try to become everything to everybody, and neglect ourselves in the process. I’ve discovered an important key to maintaining balance in life, and that is establishing boundaries. Whether single or married, boundary setting is a necessary part of life. Without it, we can become overrun with the needs of others, without taking care of our own.

While it is important to care for others and be women whom the people in our lives can rely on, we must also take into consideration that we cannot always be everything to everybody, all the time. Further, if we do not set boundaries around our lives, we run the risk of becoming burned out, frustrated, and overwhelmed. Many times, when we experience these types of emotions, it is nobody’s fault but our own. No one can make us do things we do not want to do.

Setting boundaries is not always easy, especially if you have allowed yourself to be the “go-to” person all the time. If this is the case, you may have to scale back the amount of time you allow others to occupy, even if it is for a good reason or cause. This can be especially true where church and work-related activities are concerned. We can easily become so wrapped up in helping and pleasing others that we become out of balance, as it relates to the time we spend doing for others, rather than taking time for ourselves.

One of the reasons people tend to have a hard time setting boundaries is because of people-pleasing. When pleasing others out of fear of disappointing them or making them upset is the motivation for why we do what we do, we will inevitably become frustrated and resentful. Understand that you cannot live a happy, healthy life when you are constantly worried about pleasing others and performing so you can be congratulated by someone else. Being a superwoman out of fear or low self-esteem is not beneficial either.

So, how can we set boundaries in our lives and feel okay with it? By first recognizing that setting boundaries is okay! There is nothing wrong with saying “no” to people. In fact, saying “no” could be one of the best things you can do to preserve your sanity and peace! People-pleasing is fear-based and will entangle you in a web of self-imposed bondage. You must know your limits and what you can and cannot commit to. If you are unsure about doing something for someone else, do not take it on.

Here are a few other things to consider:

Identify the areas in your life where you may need to set boundaries.
Recognize that setting boundaries is necessary. Take time for yourself, and do not allow outside activities and commitments to interfere with your family and personal time.
Pray about things before committing. Usually, we make decisions without discovering whether they are things we really need to do.
Take the pressure off yourself to perform and be all things to all people. Do what you can do, and desire to do, but do not try to do everything for fear of disappointing others.

To your passion & boundary setting

Monica

Made In America

Monica Smith — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 01:39:40 +0000

A few days ago I was preparing salmon and as I’m reading the packaging I notice that my salmon is a “Product of China”. That’s deep, I thought to myself. I’m living in Pennsylvania and here I am eating salmon from China.

It seems to me that some executives do not have a good understanding of long-term profitability. It’ll take me just a few more sentences to sum this up so pay attention. In grade-school we all learned about the cycle of life. That same cycle applies to the flow of money in any community. The flow can’t just go one-way or the resource will eventually dry-up. Buying locally is vitally important to a healthy community. It keeps resources in the place of consumption so that it can be recycled. If the resource is consumed in American and then transferred to China’s cycle then it is not recycled and it cannot be reused. If it is not recycled then it will eventually be transferred completely to a place that does not benefit the community or nation in the long-run. In short; if the resources leave the community that support the company then eventually the company will cease to exist because the community will no longer have the resources to support it. If we’re displacing a penny every time a dollar is cycled through the community then after a hundred revolutions we won’t have anything left. This analogy is missing other variables that make that dollar last a little bit longer but you get the picture, you feel me?????

To your passion & supporting locally

Monica

A Brand Built On Love

Monica Smith — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 01:48:33 +0000

Why does your organization exist? Is it to make money by any means possible? Are you in the business of reaching for your clients’ wallet before you reach their trust, hearts or mind? I doubt that any organization would admit that they are in the business of earning a quick buck by creating a lust for products and services that are of no value and serve no purpose. I’m sure that it’s not intentional but that is what happens when businesses look first at the wallet of potential customer instead of looking at the need of the individual. It’s not rocket science. It’s not even hard. It’s a change in the way you think. It’s treating human-beings with the respect and care deserved at every level and at every opportunity. If you offer a product or service that fulfils the need of another human-being why not act like it. Genuinely present your product or service in a way that shows how much you care. Be genuine and be respectful. Love your customer, client and neighbor and watch how much your brand will grow.

To your passion,

Monica